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'Graveney
win again on grey day for Barry'
By Jez Skidmore and Nick Goodburn
Snodland
128 for 7 off 25 overs
Graveney 133 for 2 off 21.5 overs
Match Won by 8 wickets
The inability of our
scheduled opponents to raise a team and the dramatic and pathetic late
withdrawal of Barry Gray couldn’t prevent Graveney from romping to a
second successive victory – and fourth of the campaign – as they
thrashed Snodland by eight wickets in a hastily arranged conference
game.
At 9pm on Thursday
evening, chairman John O’Driscoll had been informed that Turner’s Hill
were unable to raise a team for the second year running (something that
had been predicted by new skipper Nick Goodburn at April’s AGM).
Although the resourceful O’D was able to quickly arrange a conference
match at Snodland, such a late drop out seemed totally inexcusable and
surely this fixture must now be in jeopardy for next year.
As disgraceful as this
late notice was, it was not the worst or only setback. At midday on
Friday, Jez Skidmore was shocked to receive a phone call from his
driving companion Mr Gray. “Jez I can’t play tomorrow…yeah I know it’s
late notice…but my sister-in-law is here, she’s a fearsome woman, I
thought Deborah had told her to leave, but we’re decorating the house,
her husband is coming over tomorrow, honestly mate, you don’t know what
the woman’s like, if I play cricket my life won’t be worth living…”.
Attempts to make him change his mind proved futile and Jez was left to
wonder exactly how much abuse Barry would give to anyone else offering
such a pathetic excuse. Any thoughts on that one, team mates?
Frantic phone calls
between Jez, O’D and skipper Nick Goodburn were needed to re-arrange
lifts (to give him credit, Barry is very good at taking people to games)
and find a late replacement. Thankfully, Ali Newman, back after a loan
spell as the overseas star and international playboy at Bulgaria Cricket
Club, came up trumps and was also able to give Jez and Nick a lift.
By this time, Nick’s wife
Dany, had just about finished writing down Barry’s list of excuses left
on their answer phone. Let’s be honest, if you thought the weather would
mean the game would not be fully played, and you could not be bothered
to travel……….. perhaps you should play for Turner’s Hill?!
At the end of the game,
Nick would be left to ponder several questions, such as: Could Graveney
continue their form against tricky opponents Oakwood Hill next week and
make it three on the bounce? Would Barry be reduced to thirty third
change bowler? Indeed, will Barry be able to force his way back into a
winning team after such a pathetic, and late, excuse for not playing?
Obviously the last of these was by far the easiest to answer, and Barry
– the artist formerly known as No. 5 - will be lucky to even get back in
the following week if performance standards are maintained at Oakwood
Hill. Perhaps he should be made to buy a round of drinks as an extra
punishment?
At Snodland, with darkened
skies imminently threatening to wash out the game, Nick located the
opposition skipper who was half asleep in the home dressing room, and
was somewhat put out throughout the day that there appeared to be a lack
of the usual level of cricketing etiquette that he is used to.
Nonetheless, Nick agreed to their captain’s request for a 40-over game
with a maximum of 8 overs per bowler rather than a timed game, and
indicated Graveney would be willing to play through any drizzle unless
things got too dark or wet. He then again lost the toss
(this sentence can just be copied and pasted into every report) and
Snodland duly decided to bat in swirling rain.
Amazingly, unlike O’D,
Widescreen and the Hussey, Messers Bunn and McGill were on time this
week, something that surely points the finger at the absent Jay Vibert
as the bad influence on their past time keeping. The comment from Tim to
the effect that Jay always feels there is “just time for one more pint”
suggested this conclusion was sound.
Tim Bunn (4-1-35-0)
started with a maiden but then lost his rhythm as the ball became
increasingly difficult to grip. Craig “Widescreen” Jones again bowled
tidily (5-2-14-1), knocking over the captain and then missing a
difficult caught and bowled.
The returning Ali Newman
started brightly, displaying all the old repertoire so missed earlier
this season, while, at the other end, Jez Skidmore took a wicket early
on, thanks to a catch from Craig. But he was also going for a few runs,
due partly to some comical fielding from Ali, who converted two singles
into two boundaries due to his inability to bend down and stop the ball.
Snodland were progressing
at about a run a ball, but with the rain continuing to lash down and, at
73 for 2 off 13 overs, the teams decided to leave the pitch to dry out.
There then followed a
protracted scenario of will-they-won’t-they continue the game? A young
Snodlander who had allegedly turned up at the pavilion cum leisure
centre to make himself a cup of tea was then commandeered into brewing
enough for two teams, and several Graveney players irritated the skipper
by getting changed when the opposition were clearly keen to carry on.
However, after another half hour of rain, most of the team were back in
civvies.
Snodland had arranged
teas, so we stayed behind for that, but most players were expecting to
leave straight afterwards to watch the Twenty20 final. However, the rain
suddenly eased off. Rob Davies inspected the pitch and found it to be a
bit unpredictable. One of the opposition’s younger players warned us to
wear helmets if we batted as they bowled quick and short, which didn’t
exactly encourage some of our players who fancied a quick trip to the
pub. Richard Hussey, perhaps conscious of not wanting a ball in the face
to ruin his looks, moaned that he didn’t feel like batting on that
pitch, something he was reminded of after the game.
It didn’t look
encouraging, but we sensed the opposition still wanted a game. Nick did
a quick straw poll of our players and found six of us were keen to
continue. Those six should be assured of their place next week at least.
He then went to inspect the pitch with Rob and the opposition captain.
When they all trudged
back, arms folded, amateur psychologist Tim Bunn was adamant the game
was off. “Look at the body language, we’re definitely not playing,” he
said. But we were. The captains had agreed to reduce the match to 25
overs, with Snodland continuing their innings, and each bowler having a
maximum of 5 overs.
Ali Newman continued his
spell and finished with a very respectable 5-0-25-1, thanks to a smart
catch in the gulley by O’D, which shocked him as much as fellow Graveney
players. However, O’D blotted his copybook in the field by attempting to
throw back a ball and instead dropping it over his head, and then
allowing a shot to go underneath his body to the boundary.
Jez, though, did not
resume his spell. Nick wanted to give Tim Eveleigh a bowl and thought it
best to put him on then, instead of at the end when the opposition would
be hitting out, and see how things went for a couple of overs.
However, Tim continued
where he left off from last week and put in a fine spell (5-0-26-1),
proving perhaps conclusively that he is a bowler rather than a batsman.
His wicket came courtesy of a fine catch running in from the deep from
Nick, who justifiably kept the big man on for his whole spell. Tim did a
good containing job at a time when Snodland should have been looking to
push the score along.
At the other end Kev
McGill, who had recoiled in utter horror at the decision to carry on
playing, replaced Ali and bowled beautifully (3-0-7-1), clean bowling
one batsman. Snodland, who had started brightly, were slowing up towards
the end of their innings, thanks to the control of the Graveney bowlers
backed up by some excellent fielding, including a sliding Tim Eveleigh
using his belly as a means of stopping one certain four. (Ali, take
note!)
Tim finished and Nick
belatedly chucked the ball to Jez for the last over. He was delighted to
see their only really successful batsman, who made a half-century, was
at the non-striker’s end.
You don’t often see Jez
knocking stumps clean out of the ground, but it happened twice in that
over – on the first and last ball – a reflection of how wet and soft the
ground had become rather than any pace! In between, the batsmen were
unable to hit the ball, so Jez (3-1-17-3) finished with a double wicket
maiden. I don’t want to blow my own trumpet but that, ladies and
gentleman, is what they call death bowling!
Snodland, having been 73 –
2 at the rain break, had been well contained upon the restart, finishing
on 128 for 7 off their 25 overs.
With an early tea having
already been taken, Nick decided a decent start was required in a
situation where we only had the comments of the younger cheeky chirpy
chappies of Snodland to judge our task by. Graveney’s entrusted opening
pairing of Richard and Rob decided to forego helmets, despite the
earlier warning, and, despite a cautious initial approach, went about
making light work of the bowling.
Nick was particularly
interested to note that the young Snodlander who had earlier “turned up
to make himself a cup of tea” was now opening the bowling in place of
another member of their side who had gone home during the rain break.
“That doesn’t quite seem to be within the spirit of the game”, he
commented, but he needn’t have worried.
The youngsters were quick,
but they were also short and erratic, only bowling the odd ball which
could trouble our openers. They would have been far better slowing down
and bowling on a length, but the example was set by the captain, who
came on and delivered bouncers. "He opens the bowling for the first
team," one young fielder warned umpire Jez. But he didn't bowl well
enough to trouble our boys, instead providing a number of problems to
his own wicket keeper.
Snodland’s bowlers gave
away so many extras and, in one over, the tea boy opener overstepped
three times in a row and was rightly called ‘no ball’ each time by Ali.
By now, the batsmen were in their stride and Richard hit one of the no
balls for a glorious straight six – reminiscent of Kevin Pietersen at
Lord’s against Geln McGrath last season – which was surely one of the
few ‘7s’ Graveney has scored.
By the time he had
finished his spell, the tea boy had conceded 26 off his 5 overs, but
also contributed about a further 20 runs in byes the keeper had little
chance with. Such was the way in which he was taken apart that when he
returned to third man a disconsolate chap, he failed to note that
Richard had cut a ball virtually straight to him in the air, and he did
not even move the two feet it would have been necessary to have moved to
have taken the catch.
Rob, who has regained his
form in recent weeks, was also stroking the ball beautifully and
Snodland were becoming increasingly desperate. The wicketkeeper kept
whipping the bails off and appealing long after the ball had gone dead,
prompting complaints from Paul Jeffels, who attempts to do the same
thing virtually every ball when he is behind the stumps!
With the score board
ticking along at well above the required run rate, the rest of the
Graveney team were then joined by one of the local Snodland gangs, when
3 youths rode their bikes (one of which was pink!) over the outfield and
behind the bowler’s arm to the pavilion. The young pranksters then
proceeded to keep the team amused (NOT!) with their assertions that all
kids in South London carried guns and sold drugs! After informing us
that they were in fact Man Utd (2) and Chelsea (1) fans – what a
surprise! – they started to chant “We love you Snodland we do” and “We
hate you Graveney we do” in an attempt to rile us and induce a fight no
doubt.
Bored by their barracking,
Nick then asked what time their ASBO’s kicked in, which amused the team
but only confused and riled further our new ‘friends’. Having then
attempted for a few moments to play cricket with a ball and a hoop (!)
they soon wondered off to confront a rival gang who had had the guts to
enter the other end of the battle field that is the council cricket
ground.
In the meantime Graveney
had soon reached 114 without loss before Rob was stumped for 28. Nick,
who had decided to give Ali a bat should anyone actually get out, found
that Ali had in fact gone to change, and so he went in himself to “see
it through”, something he achieved with a masterly 0 not out off half a
dozen balls.
With the rival Snodland
hang by now having taken refuge in the branches of a tree at the far end
of the ground from where they were being taunted and pelted with sticks,
Richard told Nick he was now “going to go for it” and proceeded to smash
another six and a four, before getting himself out on 61, caught,
attempting to finish the game off.
Paul, who had been
wandering around like a man possessed since receiving a text message and
claiming four Estonian women were waiting in his flat for him, almost
got himself out attempting to slog the winning hit off his first ball,
before despatching his fourth delivery into the trees for 6 to finish
the game and his innings on 6 not out.
Graveney were home with
more than three overs and eight wickets to spare, a fitting reward for
persisting in the hope of a conclusion to the game.
The lack of etiquette
continued after the game when all bar two of the opposition had
disappeared even before we had changed, but it mattered not as Rob and
Tim B had come up with a plan – namely, to reconvene in a Redhill pub
for the Twenty20 final.
Whether Paul stayed in the
pub or rushed back to his flat to set up his camcorder is as yet unknown
to the Captain who can only hereby hope that the Estonian women have
been afforded a warm welcome!
Man of the match:
Richard
Hussey for a fine batting display.
Champagne moment:
O’D
attempting to prevent a run but ending up dropping the ball behind his
head!
Moment of disgrace:
Barry Gray (the artist
formerly known as No. 5) and that phone call. |
