|
Graveney Social – Twenty20 and The Sheesh Mahal - 07/08/04
Author
and attendee: Nick Goodburn
On Saturday 7th August 2004, Captain and
newly appointed Social Secretary, Rob Davies, finally managed to achieve
something that most had thought impossible. He had arranged a Graveney
social event! Needless to say, such was the shock to the Graveney
fraternity - following many seasons of abject failure on the social
front - that they failed to realise that this was in fact a serious
proposition. Subsequently, the hordes of potential attendees failed to
raise themselves for either the game or the social on the day!
Nevertheless, a social event is a social event, and, given that it could
be another few years until we have another opportunity to do so, it
would be remiss of us not to report on it.
As the newly appointed Social Secretary for 2004, Rob
had felt the pressure building on him ever since that fateful evening at
the Chairman’s house back in April. The dreaded words had once more been
uttered; “So who shall we appoint as Social Secretary?”. Nervous tension
filled the room as the assembled Graveney throng pondered this poisoned
chalice while trying not to capture the eye of the President. An eerie
silence befell the room, until, taking the bull by the horns – and
probably to avoid the horror of being nominated themselves – a voice
piped up with; “What about you Skip?”.
Before Rob could utter a single gasp of shock, the
nomination had been seconded and thirded, and all his fellow attendees
had completed the Coup D’Etat. If only he had proposed Malcolm Wells
again! Not being there to defend himself, Malcolm could easily have been
appointed on the basis that he had once, (in his three years or so as
the previous incumbent of this prestigious office), managed to get a
bowling event arranged! Alas, it was now too late. Rob had fallen victim
to the cunning Life President/Hon. Fixture Sec/Team Sec and the Honorary
Secretary/Treasurer - see what happens if you attend the AGM!
Anyway, I digress. Back to the 7th August
2004, and Rob has had a brainwave. Not only are Graveney playing locally
to a curry house that he would recommend, but it is finals day of the
Twenty20 competition, AND it is being shown in the pub. Brilliant
Holmes! As he enters the Builder’s Arms, basking in the glow of being
about to become the most successful Social Secretary (pro rate) in the
club’s history, Rob is horrified to find that they will be showing
football on the screens shortly. A quick assessment, and Rob promptly
takes his custom elsewhere, namely the Alma, where he settles down with
his first beer of the day and reaches for his mobile to ensure that the
gathering hordes are aware of the change of location. Thirty seconds
later and he has completed the task, including time to try and seek out
a replacement for Kevin, who has overdone it the night before and will
now miss the game!
Such was the brilliance of the plan, however, that it
catches everyone off guard. Alastair, Nick and Allan make their way
directly to the ground, late but just about in time. The opposition, who
are already fully kitted up and out in the middle, greet us with puzzled
expressions. “Are there any more of you?”, asks the Norwood skipper.
“Don’t worry”, we respond, “they are on their way”. By 2pm, the allotted
start time, we have been joined by Barry “no-one told me about the
social” Gray, Mick “It’s just taken me an hour and a half to get here”
Masters, and Bob and Martin Wells. No sign of the Skipper, Life
President/Hon. Fixture Sec/Team Sec and the Honorary
Secretary/Treasurer, who, in honour of the fact that a social has been
organised, had made it to the Alma for a quick pint with Rob. Stage one
of the Social has been successful! Three people made it to the pub prior
to the game, albeit that two of them made it for 5 minutes!
Flushed with pride at achieving this initial success,
Graveney also get first stab at batting, which in the fierce heat, is
another real result. OD produces new Graveney shirts and everything is
looking perfect. Rob goes out to bat, full of confidence, secure in the
knowledge that his star is very much in the ascendancy having achieved
the impossible today. He promptly hooks down the throat of fine leg and
departs without troubling the scorers. Never mind, his achievements on
the social front have made him a success today! A recovery follows and
Graveney eventually set a reasonable total, which would surely have been
greater had the opposition managed to bowl the usual number of overs
expected in two and a half hours. During tea, the discussion turns to
the forthcoming night’s events. No fewer than 5 people are expecting to
attend the curry following the match. A 50% take-up rate amongst the
day’s team is not to be sniffed at!
Following a further two and a quarter hours in the
heat, Graveney succumb to defeat, having bowled 5 more overs in 20
minutes less time than they received! Unperturbed, the weary,
battle-scarred players – especially Nick with the new Cricket ball
tattoo on his chest – return to the changing rooms to prepare for the
nights’ events. Despite the variety of bad backs, sore heads, sunstroke,
bruises and a dodgy calf, (plus all the usual Neil Taylor ailments,
which are far too many to mention), spirits are high. The anticipation
of a Graveney social has led to a great deal of exuberance, and Barry
Gray throws open the changing room window to propose that a passing
young lady may wish to join us. Whether she would have taken up this
offer is open to debate, but the sight of Barry and others stark naked
is enough to send her running off in the opposite direction. Neal is
delighted to find that the disabled person’s shower affords him more
room and helpful rail supports. He carries out his usual half-hour
ablutions, lathering himself into some sort of abominable snowman using
the usual bottle and a half of shower gel, and also manages to flood the
changing room in the process, but the social beckons and soon everyone
is ready.
Stage two is now in progress; back to the Albert with
the opposition to enjoy a few beers and watch Surrey in the final of the
Twenty20. OD gets carried away and produces some money from the club’s
coffers towards the first round. Despite the barmaid’s frankly rude
overtures, Neal, ever the sucker for a pretty lady - well his sight and
hearing are probably failing along with all his other ailments - tells
her to take one for herself. A momentary pleasantness overcomes her and
she informs him that she will have a Jameson’s “for later”.
A few beers later and the numbers have dwindled to
the 5 who are participating in the Curry trip. Barry reveals his dislike
of playing at Croygas and Norwood, and Surrey finally lose their first
Twenty20 game! Rob, OD, Neal, Barry and Nick head off to Addiscombe in
search of nourishment and the pursuit of social fulfilment. Barry and
Nick arrive first and are confronted with a choice between the Banana
Leaf (South Indian cuisine) and the Sheesh Mahal. Faced with the
prospect of selecting his own goldfish from the massive fish tank in the
front window of the Banana Leaf, Barry plumps for the Sheesh Mahal as it
looks nicer to him, and in we go. First things first though, and Barry
is required to visit his first aid box to get paracetamol for Neal,
whose head clearly cannot keep up with this whirlwind of a social
event.
Barry refuses a beer as he is driving, and tells us
all how he never touches spirits. It also turns out that he never goes
to work before 11am, and always leaves by 5-5.30pm. Nice work if you can
get it!! Allegedly he has to deal with loads of emails when he gets up
so that is why he starts so late, but it is felt that he more than
likely takes “the Boy” (his terrier) for walks while he summons up some
enthusiasm for the office. It was noted by OD that Barry always has a
cup of tea before getting down to anything else upon arrival.
Others are less hesitant on the beer front, and a
number of large Cobras turn up. Once we have all ordered, OD sets about
ordering extra rice, extra breads and extra everything else so that by
the time it all arrives we are lucky it can all fit on the table. Neal
relives a few past experiences, informing us all once more about the
trip that he and OD had taken to the 50:50 club in Rochdale a few years
ago. He says he was left in no doubt about the nature of the club when
he saw two men facially engaged at the bar. OD it appears remains
oblivious to all this to this day. Perhaps more alarmingly Neal refers
to having been attracted to a 12 year old who was “very big up front”,
whatever this means in a pre-pubescent child!! Oh, sorry, I should add,
that this was when Neal was in his mid twenties, a fact that does
nothing to make it any better!
As the curry mountain starts to be scaled the banter
continues, with many things of true importance being discussed. Rob is
questioned on whether he will make an honest woman of Nancy. The use of
the phrase “almost sure” is an interesting retort. “Watch this space! OD
meanwhile reveals that he had planned to visit Gloria that evening. One
or two raised eyebrows questioned this, but it had been noted that he
had his Rochdale shirt with him (and no doubt his Arsenal boxers), so it
gave credence to the likelihood of the David Mellor - Arancha
whatsername frolics that OD obviously had in mind.
Perhaps it had something to do with the exuberance of
having a social to attend, or some element of jealousy, but Neal almost
caused the shelving of OD’s plans. He announced that he had hoped he
might stay at OD’s that night and that he was intending to “drop off
some birds in the morning”. At this point, OD’s call to Gloria started
to look a little hasty, although there was also some trepidation in OD
that he might be called upon to massage Neal’s aching muscles yet again!
Soon, however, it became apparent that Neal meant birds of the feathered
variety, and OD’s interest waned.
Finally, as the President started to flag, the
waiters moved in to remove the remaining food before we all felt ill
looking at it. With the night still young, liqueur coffees were ordered
– except for Barry, who, as previously noted, never touches spirits, and
ordered a sorbet instead. The conversation continued to flow, and the
staff were complimented for the quality of their food. Finally, the bill
arrived, or should that be the bills! Rob, Barry, OD and Nick signed
theirs, but Neal was faced with the prospect of signing about four bills
due to the proprietor’s desire to avoid paying VAT on their tip. Amidst
much confusion, Neal eventually relented and signed numerous slips for a
variety of amounts, and we are currently waiting to see whether he has
been fleeced. Rumours are that the proprietor has been seen booking a
one-way ticket to Rio.
The end of a Graveney social is a strange
thing. Thoughts turn to doing something similar in the not too distant
future, and getting more people along. Barry almost lets his cool façade
slip and starts to follow two young ladies into the Banana Leaf as we
reach his car. OD and Neal meanwhile slip off to begin the journey back
to Reigate. It remains to be found out whether Gloria received that
call, and, even if she did, whether the thought of a torrid night filled
her with dread or anticipation! |
